yuck, yuck, and more yuck

i am quite possibly the world's cleanest person. i clean like it's going out of style and i know that sometimes it drives poor jason nuts when i'm busy cleaning and he just wants to watch a movie. however, a tragedy has come over my clean little apartment.

cockroaches.

yep, there is a hole in the roof of my bathroom and they crawl in the fan and wah-lah! i have a new roommate. it is repulsive, disgusting, absolutely freaky. and, did you know they have wings? oh, you bet they do... and i don't think they use the wings to keep themselves cool during hot weather.

poor jason has been playing exterminator and killing the few that i have seen. but i don't know how much longer it'll be before i find one on my own time... and the screech that will follow as soon as i find my first one will be the screech heard around the world. (i'm getting the creepy crawlies just writing about it right now)

and i guess killing them with bug spray isn't really an option because they're crazy little buggers... no wonder people say that cockroaches could survive a nuclear bomb. yuck. i guess they can't survive being stepped on by a boot... however, i hope to never know that for sure.

please pray for my safety... and sanity... because i'm thinking i could be abducted by a bunch of critters and be never seen again.

song of the day:
don't panic
by: coldplay

as much as this song is soothing and wonderful... i can just hear little bug legs creepy-crawling in the background.

when life gives you Lyme's, make a margarita and CELEBRATE!

i wrote a blog in april about the tough road that my family and i have been enduring... you can see it here. but the story doesn't end there, in fact, the end starts here!

last time i wrote i spoke of the goodness of God during times of difficulty and the fact that my family was leaning into His promise in jeremiah 29:11 during this extraordinary difficult time. we, as a family, were being refined and perfected for His work.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

well, the story has come so far since april. after lots of test and many months of patiently (or maybe not so patiently waiting) we have an answer. Lyme's Disease. yep, the disease you get from being bit by a flea that is carrying it. i know, i always thought that hunters out in the wilderness of montana got this... but it turns out a southern california man can contract the disease and suffer from it for a decade without detection.

thank goodness for a doctor who was as committed to finding answers as house (yep, the show). and now we work with the doctors to find the best way to get the disease under control --nope, it's not curable.

oh, how great is our God. life has changed in a way that we could never have imagined, but i wouldn't take a minute of the trials and tribulations back. i hope God thinks i'm a shinier piece of gold in God's collection after enduring years of fire.

"And God saw everything that He had made, and behold, it was very good." - Genesis 1:31

just like genesis, this is good.

God is good.

amen.

song of the day:

light up the sky

by: the afters

when stars are hiding in the clouds, i don't feel them shining

when i can't see You beyond my doubt, the silver lining

when i've almost reached the end, like a flood You're rushing in

your love is rushing in

hallelujah, the sky is bright and shiny again.

"why does God let bad things happen to good people?"

this is one of the questions i have heard from believers and non-believers alike. i have spent months pondering this after the alzheimer’s diagnosis of my father, after the loss of baby hallee, after watching members of the church come down with fatal illnesses, after corruption plagues church leadership, after having good intentions and still messing up… how does this happen with the righteous right hand of God protecting us, His children, from danger?

the book of job seems to speak directly to this, but not in a fast and simple way. it takes a little bit of digging and a prayer for God’s word to speak directly into your heart. i have read through Job before, but suddenly, in this new light that the Spirit has shed on it, it is extraordinarily enlightening.

God does not stop bad things from happening for three reasons (that i have come up with and by no means is this list exhaustive or right):

1. you, as God’s child, underestimate your strength and/or abilities.

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us” – Romans 5:3-5

in the book of job, God hands job to satan while bragging that job is one of His most faithful servants and will remain strong despite the devil’s temptations. does job do so? yes! but not on his own. God provides friends to serve as encouragement during the most difficult of times. He is allowing for us to realize the insane muscle He has blessed us with, faith. realize that through your suffering you are growing into a better, stronger, more Hulk-like christian.

God also lays the stipulation out that satan can strip job of all he has but cannot kill him. He is holding job in His righteous right hand by ensuring that Job’s life is safe… God promised life and He is providing. He wants you to have hope in trials and tribulations so that He can come to the rescue, just as Christ rescued us from the throes of sin by hanging on the cross… maintain hope in the face of trouble because God does not disappoint.

2. He wants you to realize the condition of your heart.

“I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. . So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” John 16:20, 22

friedrich nietzsche once said, “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” the same goes for the matters of the heart: what doesn’t kill our desires only makes them stronger. God calls us to serve His greater purpose and He provides us with talents in order to ensure our chance to participate in bringing glory to His righteous kingdom.

i have realized that all good things are worth working for; however, it’s not easy to run into tests and trials. are you truly dedicated to your convictions, your talents, His purpose? the flame will dwindle and, at times, you may fear it’s complete extinguish. but, just as nietzche says, if it doesn’t blow out that little fire will come back a full-blown, unstoppable blaze. there is a time of trial, but He will bring us into a time of rejoicing in His undeniable purpose in our lives.

3. He has faith in you, but He longs for you to grow your faith in Him.

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.” – Ephesians 3:20-21

God has created you. He knows your greatest potential and has great faith in your ability to accomplish His goodness. but do you have enough faith in Him to endure the trials and tough times? i believe that in the face of persecution and trials you realize your (a) heart and (b) dedication. how much do you want to help others in His name? how badly do you desire to reflect Him in everything that you do?

putting yourself out there every day is difficult and being met with anything less than praise makes the task that much more daunting; however, He is rejoicing your perseverance up in heaven and will reward you (beyond anything you can fathom) for being faithful to Him. receiving criticism and negativity when you feel like you are doing what God has created you to do can breed doubt in your heart, but have faith. know that He designed you with a specific purpose for you life.

rather than think in the negative, consider tough times the ultimate compliment. God, the creator of all things, is up in Heaven wishing for you to pull close to Him and lean into the promise He has made to give a greater purpose to your life. He longs to do things in your life that are more than you would ever ask for… i’m in, how about you?

"My life is an example to many, because you have been my strength and protection. That is why I can never stop praising you; I declare your glory all day long.” –Psalm 71:7-8

remember that in everything you do people are watching. a person’s true character shows when they are staring adversity in the face, make sure you’re someone worth paying attention to (during good times and bad).

song of the day:
meant to live
by: switchfoot

"fumbling his confidence and wondering why the world has passed him by...
hoping that he's meant for more than arguments and failed attempts to fly...
we were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves?"

i've lost myself several times, but leave it up to God to bring me right back to where i need to be. it's a confusing world, but He can serve as the ultimate GPS. just ask and believe.

the refiner's fire

two posts in a row. i guess i feel responsible for making up for the lack of posting i did last week. and there is just a sort of urgency in my heart for this one. and today God wouldn't let me get over the urge. so i write.

about a year ago my family started on the most difficult journey it would face. never did we expect to be tried and tested in the ways that we were. but today we stand with more strength, more faith, and more love than ever before. however, it isn't an easy road to walk.

in january of last year my mom noticed that my dad's ability to remember things was deteriorating slowly. she expressed concern to my siblings and i, but we told her it was nothing... he's never been one for details. however, come march, things were still not right. he sought the help of a neurologist and went through weeks of testing, MRIs, doctor appointments while we waited for an answer. one by one things were ruled out. tumor, no. alzheimer's, no. dementia, not that either. one monday night my parents received a phone call from one of the doctors explaining that he knew what it was and to come in the following morning. he said things didn't look great. after a night of no sleep and lots of tears, i went to work, just like i had for weeks.

on july 17th, 2009, a neurologist diagnosed my 56 year old father with early onset alzheimer's. he said despite the lack of genetic evidence he was sure my father was losing his memory for good. he also warned that because my dad is so young the disease would be more aggressive in its degeneration and we must begin making arrangements.

there are no words to describe the pain, the fear, the panic that sets in with a diagnosis like this. i immediately drove home to spend time with my family. my brothers played in the pool with my dad like always. my mom spent hours on the phone letting all of the relatives know the results had come back and we faced a battle with one of the most mysterious diseases known to modern medicine.

why God? i just had to ask. i spent months asking. God, why? why us? why my dad? why my family? why do this to my mom? why to jeremiah, he is so young? why now? why not later in his life? why, God, why?

while i still wish this all away. while i wish it wasn't us. while i wish it was later in my dad's life. while i wish it wasn't my dad, my mom, my family. i understand that we are being tested by fire just like God talks about in 1 Corinthians 3:

"This work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames." -1 Corinthians 3:13-15

we don't know what's going to come of all this. we don't know if his brain will be perfect. we don't know if he will remember us five years from now. but we do know that God is doing His work among us. and i know that i don't want to just barely escape through the flames. i want to be thrown into the fire only to burn brighter than the flames. i want to be blinding, like the blue flames that compose the hottest part of the blaze.

i want to know that God placed me in the hottest of heats, in the toughest of times, and i made it with His strength there to keep me cool. thankfully, my family, the people that mean the world to me, get to join me in this journey.

my dad is doing better. he has improved tremendously with the help of an amazing psychiatrist and with the family rallied closely around him. however, the flames, though smoldering, still burn, reminding us that we are not yet free. that His refiner's fire is continuing to work on us making us more like Him.

it's not easy. it's not fun. but the bible never promised easy or fun. it promised to glorify Him.

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." - Job 1:21